It was such a beautiful winter afternoon and my family was packed and ready to visit friends at their new home. So I looked out the window to gather information to ensure I could return again on my own. I made mental notes of the turns and twists, the merge and hills all while enjoying the beautiful land around us. This ride soon prompted a reflection; a pause in the journey. This "look back" took me to the first time driving this very route to visit my godmother with my sister; Robinett. I laughed to myself because we were driving with handwritten directions from our mom and lots of confidence we could get to our destination since we'd ridden this very route many years growing up. Well, that was not the case because Robinett and I laughed and talked so much that before i knew it, we'd driven out of state instead of our destination within state! Of course this was way before mapquest, waze and navigation! But it's still funny because we should have realized we were going the wrong way; but all that talking and "knowing" proved wrong! 😆 Memories are so awesome, As I chuckled out loud I caught a glimpse of my face in the side-view mirror. What I saw looking back at me was surprising. Here looking back at me was a woman with eyes of peace & not stress... It's amazing how stressful life can be when you're busy trying to please folks and moving away from that has obviously been a benefit to me.....no more forcing myself to be around folks who didn't want me around.... the crappy comments and off hand attitudes, I had finally given myself permission to simply be myself. I wasn't concerned with the lies spoken about me, the ideas and judgement of others...I'd grown to let go. It's exhausting trying to pacify the ego of folks who refuse to own their own stuff; those looking to blame and accuse based on the lies they tell themselves. It's such a strain talking to them. You know what I mean? Have you ever been stuck in conversation with someone like that? They're fine in conversation as long as the conversation is about them! As long as you don't threaten their sense of self entitlement. Folks who treat you like you've done something wrong if you dare have your own opinion....and all bets are off if you happen to disagree in any way. I remember those days of thinking I had "close" ties with these toxic types because whenever I went, they went too, they didn't seem to mind what we did as long as we hung out together. But it took several years and odd / awkward interactions to realize the difference between hanging out together and someone hanging around to sabotage. Those subtle shifts in words and attitudes, the indirect but intended "put-downs"...leaving situations wrecking my mind to figure out how I'd done something wrong, or why was I such a bad person because being around them I felt "beat-down" often "guilty" for the negative. But today, I saw peace. My brows relaxed, a slight smile on my face. I was breathing, no more holding my breath....no more living afraid my words would be twisted around to fit the "villain" role for someone's story of victim-hood. No longer explaining myself to people who "heard about what happened" as their accusations burned in my belly confused about what they were saying and everything I said only made it worse because the person spinning the tale had been around me enough to know just where my weak points were and they used them for their own advantage...... No more making friends with "the attitude" that popped up for whatever the reason to ensure condescension. No more :well, that's how they are" code for "they can't help it, so let's not hold them accountable" My reflection reminds me this journey requires an acknowledgement of truth and strength to let things go; learn and go...to breath, live, enjoy and laugh. Life is full of all sorts of situations and my faith tells me I'm more than victorious when I put GOD in the forefront my doing good looks very different. Now, I can be gracious in communication when necessary; without feeling the need to people please. I'm free to be authentic and kind even as I remain on my path... I can still walk in love hopefully encouraging those in darkness to receive GOD's light. It's a great feeling to realize I owe nothing to anyone but to love them and it doesn't require allowing me or my family to be in toxic situations. Reflection is a good thing, looking over the good and the bad in our lives can give us the strength to make necessary changes in our lives. One of the best things about this journey is knowing I'm not in this alone, I have my faith to guide me and direct me to pray for others and receive correction for myself; I'm not always right; but thank God for Jesus, I am indeed alright. 💜
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